Cave Man Flipbook

Clara Chandler Takes On: Monsturd

Title: Monsturd
Tagline: Don’t get caught with your pants down!
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Spoof
Written & directed by: Rick Popko & Dan West
Production company: 4321 Productions
Distributed by: Elite Entertainment
Runtime: 81 minutes
Rated: R

First, let me say that I’m not a movie reviewer although I played one on the Internet, um, just now... I had to give it a shot after viewing Monsturd at the Revenge of The Midnight Movies on The Horror Channel.

This past Friday night I had the pleasure to chat with co-writer and co-director Rick Popko during a free viewing of his 2003 debut film “Monsturd.” I admit I was dubious whether I wanted to watch it. How could a movie about a mass of killer fecal matter be fun? I took a deep breath and gave it a chance.

I’m glad I did.

I even watched it twice…

Monsturd is a spoofy, “Twin Peaks”-y cult classic kind of film. It’s horror-comedy. If you despise scatological humor, you won’t enjoy Monsturd. It is politically incorrect and has no redeeming social value. It’s gross but not as gross as – well, actually it’s pretty gross, but the humor more than outweighs the disgust factor. Think of it as “Jack Frost” meets “South Park.” If you giggle at fart jokes (whether you admit it or not) and enjoy puns -- you’ll give it two thumbs up. I laughed so hard that by the end, tears dripped off my chin.

The Story
Serial killer Jack Schmidt (see, the puns roll in from the beginning and never stop) falls into a batch of evil Dr. Stern’s super-duper flesh-eating bacteria. Jack and the bacteria combine and mutate into Monsturd, a seven-foot-tall killer poop-man who stalks the townfolk. The action takes place in fictional Butte County, California, where the annual chili cook-off – “a really big blow-out” – is scheduled to take place in two days!

Details
Written and directed by Rick Popko and Dan West, “Monsturd” was shot on miniDV using a CanonGL-1 camcorder and has a very nice film-like quality. I was amazed to learn Rick and Dan made this movie on a $3,000 budget. Blockbuster liked it so well they purchased 4,000 copies! The score and visuals are excellent. The soundtrack is first-rate and the original song written for the movie (which plays at the end as the credits roll) is clever as hell. (Note: Theme songs for Monsturd and its sequel RetarDead are available in MP3 format to download and share with your friends. Link.

Trivia
Monsturd (itself) was created out of foam insulation. The original song "Number 2 -- The Ballad of the Monsturd" was written by Kip Phillips, Dan West, Rick Popko, and Lisa Rein; and performed by Kip Phillips and Lisa Rein. Rick Popko plays Deputy Rick and Dan West plays Deputy Dan. In a nod to a favorite, there’s a character named Johnny Waters.

Some of my favorite dialogue (at least the ones I am willing to quote):

• “Daddy, don’t go. The number two will get you!”


• “A giant #2 killed my daddy!”


• Police sketch artist asks eye witness to describe the monster: “Did it look something like… THIS?”


• Sketch artist: “Any other distinguishing marks?”


• How can a turd kill someone?


• ”We don’t even know if bullets will be able to stop this thing…”

I won’t spoil the ending because it is priceless; the writers are totally cracked. I will tell you the hapless Butte County sheriff’s deputies and intrepid FBI agent confront Monsturd with riot gear and weapons funnier than Ghostbusters ever dreamed of!


“This is the thriller that does for toilets what Psycho did for showers. Come along if you dare. Just don't get caught with your pants down!”

Tell your spouse you’re buying it for your thirteen-year-old nephew if you must, but buy this movie! It’s a steal at $9.98. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it becomes a collector’s item ten years from now.

Check out the production company’s web site at www.4321Films.com to view a trailer, read more about “Monsturd,” and check out 4321Films’ second flick RetarDead (tagline: “They’re not so special any more”). You haven’t seen the last of Rick Popko and Dan West.

Clara Chandler Takes On: Leprechaun Infestation

A year ago I discovered a rotten banana in the cat food container. The children threw up their hands.

“We don’t know how it got there, Mom.”

My husband scratched his head. “Sure beats me.”

The cats lack opposable thumbs so I knew they were innocent. At the time I figured the banana was due to gorillas in our midst, planning to take over the world. For a year I felt safe as long as I didn’t spot long hairy arms or spy large primates swinging from tree to tree.

Then something happened to shatter my false sense of security.

While gathering outdated magazines, newspapers, and other objects to be tossed, I came across a long brown paper bag, the kind used to cover an elongated bottle of spirits. Since we don’t imbibe, my curiosity was piqued. I peered inside and found a receipt dated five months previous. Stranger still, it came from the WSLCB store on NE 78th Way in Vancouver, Washington. The receipt further states “Terri thanks you.”

It’s slight less than 2,500 miles from my house to Seattle so this paper bag didn’t just waft in on the autumn breeze and land in my living room. Of course, no one in the family knows anything about the bag or the receipt. It’s doubtful any of them traveled 5,000 miles roundtrip to purchase a fifth of whiskey given all the liquor stores in close proximity to our house. I can’t see anyone in my family falling off the teetotaler wagon and making the leap to Irish whiskey right out of the chute.

Now I fear a leprechaun is behind this mysterious receipt.

It makes sense. We all know leprechauns hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows, and they have an affinity for Irish whiskey. Legend says if a person is lucky enough to see and then capture a wee, six-inch-tall leprechaun – a Herculean task in itself – the small creature is beholden to grant a wish, up to and including revealing where his gold is hidden. A little-known secret is that he may buy you off with a gold piece to release him. As soon as he’s free, your coin will turn to dust. How tricky leprechauns are!

To further complicate matters, the species is split into two distinct groups, the leprechaun and the cluricaun. Leprechauns are shoemakers and guardians of ancient treasure. Cluricauns are for lack of a kinder word, thieves. They will steal or borrow nearly anything under cover of darkness. One source I checked said they raid wine cellars and larders. I wonder if a cluricaun went to the liquor store in Vancouver and gave Terri a magic gold piece for the fifth of whiskey, knowing all the while the coin would turn to dust as soon as he left? Even worse, these leprechaun cousins sometimes harness domestic animals and ride them throughout the countryside at night. Makes me wonder if perhaps our poor hamster Henry’s untimely death resulted from one too many midnight joy rides beneath a cluricaun.

This could explain several family mysteries. We could blame Henry’s death on the cluricaun(s). The reason we can’t find our keys? A cluricaun took them. The disappearance of the children’s homework, pencils, odd socks, and even that one pair of tennis shoes are all understandable once we realize evil leprechaun cousins exist. Same with the pizza box discovered under the living room chair last year and the chicken bones I found behind the sofa.

I feel a bit guilty blaming everything on the cluricaun and I still have my doubts. But what better explanation than that a cluricaun traveled 2,500 miles lugging a fifth of Irish whiskey so he could wreak havoc in my home?

Sure explains all the blarney around here.

© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved